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Joined: Sep 18, 2002
Points: 27

The Lark Program
Original Message   Feb 15, 2005 10:28 am
A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the
treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is a
copy of a letter they received back:

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, D.C. ,20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn
that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new
division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals
Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to
place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some
assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that
your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so
strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help
him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that
you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist
is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human
life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not
suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga
group He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items
locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm
sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over
time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture
and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.

You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good


Your Buddy,

Andy Card
Chief of Staff
Replies: 1 - 2 of 2View as Outline

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools. ;- )

Joined: Sep 16, 2002
Points: 7730

Re: The Lark Program
Reply #1   Feb 15, 2005 3:15 pm
Hahahaha, that would take care of it! 

Joined: Sep 19, 2003
Points: 345

Re: The Lark Program
Reply #2   Feb 15, 2005 9:18 pm
Replies: 1 - 2 of 2View as Outline
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